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When a woman earns more: the impact on male stress
Both common opinion and social research consistently show that a woman earning more than her partner often causes discomfort for the man. As sexologist and expert for the "Earnings Without Taboos" campaign, Zbigniew Lew-Starowicz, noted: "In my practice, female patients have no qualms about sharing who earns more in their relationship. With male patients, the difference is clear—they are reluctant to disclose that their partner earns more. Gender stereotypes are distinct and remain deeply ingrained. Furthermore, men who earn less than their partners feel uncomfortable and are prone to overinterpreting their partners' behavior toward them"[1].
Fascinating research[2] was conducted by Dr. Joanna Syrda, an economist at the University of Bath's School of Management, between 2001 and 2015, involving over 6,000 heterosexual couples in the U.S. She examined the stress levels of men based on what percentage of the household budget was provided by their wives' income. It turned out that this relationship follows a U-shaped curve: from the man's perspective, the most optimal situation was when his partner's earnings accounted for 40% of their total income—this was when his stress level was at its lowest. Stress increased both when the woman was completely financially dependent on the man and when he was completely dependent on his partner. Notably, in the latter case, the man's stress level was at its maximum—higher even than in situations where he was the sole provider for the family.
An interesting observation from this study was that the correlation between a wife's/partner's higher earnings and increased male stress was not observed in couples where the woman had earned more from the very beginning of the relationship.
From the above research, it can be concluded that the vast majority of men find it psychologically burdensome to be the sole provider for their family and appreciate it when a woman contributes to the household budget—though, ideally for them, the woman's contribution is slightly lower than their own. A second important conclusion was that it is easier for a man to accept a woman's higher earnings if that has been the case from the start of the relationship, whereas it is more difficult if he was the higher earner for a time and the roles subsequently reversed.
What can be done to ensure a wife's/partner's higher earnings don't lead to problems?
Our norms, values, and beliefs—both conscious and unconscious—have a key influence on whether a woman's higher earnings become a source of conflict. Patterns inherited from our upbringing have a huge impact, but we don't have to be slaves to them in any aspect of life! Many of my clients mention during coaching sessions that they have put a lot of effort into ensuring their relationships, approach to life, money, work, and child-rearing are different from what their parents instilled in them.
In my opinion, building a healthy relationship requires discussing difficult issues and emotions openly and with respect for one's partner. Using financial leverage to humiliate or subordinate a partner is unacceptable—and this applies to both women and men. Especially in the presence of others, snide remarks or ostentatiously highlighting that one earns more will be particularly painful for the lower-earning person, and in the case of a man, it can wound him even more deeply and strike at his self-esteem.
It is worth showing the lower-earning person in the relationship that we value them, what we like about them, and how important their contribution to our family's well-being is. It is good to emphasize that we do not judge people's worth by their earnings. Furthermore, we should be mindful not to mock lower-earning people in our social circle when talking with our partner.
The job market is becoming increasingly dynamic. With the development of technology and social changes, new professions are constantly emerging. Sometimes, salary levels in certain industries change compared to other positions. Each of us will change employers several times throughout our professional career. Many people will change professions. We must therefore be flexible and accept the fact that it is difficult to predict how attractive our earnings will be over the years compared to the income of others—including our partner.
If we remain trapped in the corset of old beliefs and social norms, we expose ourselves to significant stress—including in the context of dividing household duties and responsibilities. Openness, shared responsibility, and a partnership-based approach are in the best interest of both women and men. It helps reduce stress and conflict.
[1] Source: Rozmiar ma znaczenie. Grubość portfela ważna dla polskich par, by jm. https://www.pulshr.pl/wynagrodzenia/rozmiar-ma-znaczenie-grubosc-portfela-wazna-dla-polskich-par,19082.html
[2] Joanna Syrda, Spousal Relative Income and Male Psychological Distress, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167219883611
