Higher wages for women and stress for men

Both the circulating opinions and the results of social studies invariably show that the higher earnings of a woman in a relationship are often a reason for discomfort in her partner. As Zbigniew Lew-Starowicz, sexologist and expert of the campaign “Earnings without taboos”, said: “In the office, patients have no resistance to giving information about who earns more in their relationship. In the case of patients, the difference is clear - they have resistance with the disclosure of the partner's higher income. Gender stereotypes are clear and still persistent. In addition, men with lower earnings than women feel uncomfortable and tend to overinterpret their partners' behavior toward them.”

Extremely interesting research[2] The study was conducted by Dr. Joanna Syrda, an economist at the University of Bath's School of Management between 2001 and 2015, on more than 6,000 heterosexual couples in the USA. She checked what level of stress is present in a man depending on how large a percentage of the household budget is made up of the wife's income. It turned out that this relationship is U-shaped: from the point of view of a man, the most optimal situation was when his partner's earnings accounted for 40% of their total income - then the stress level was the lowest for him. Stress increased both when the woman was completely financially dependent on the man and when he was completely dependent on her partner. However, in the last case, the stress level of the man was maximum - also higher than when he was the one who supported the family as a whole.

An interesting observation from these studies was also that the relationship between higher earnings of the wife/partner and the increase in stress in the man was not observable in those couples in which the woman earned more from the beginning of the relationship.

From the above studies, it can be concluded that the vast majority of men find it very psychologically burdensome when it is only up to them to support the family and appreciate when a woman contributes to the household budget - and it is best for them if the woman's contribution is slightly lower than that of the partner. The second important conclusion was that it was easier for a man to accept a woman's higher earnings when that was the case from the beginning of their relationship, and harder when he was the one who earned better for a while, and only then the roles reversed.

What to do so that the higher earnings of the wife/partner do not lead to problems?

A key influence on whether a woman's higher earnings become a source of conflict are our norms, values and beliefs — both those we are aware of and those we share unconsciously. Patterns brought from home have a huge impact, but we don't have to be slaves to them in any aspect! Many of my clients in coaching sessions say that they put a lot of effort into making their relationships, approach to life, money, work or raising children different from what their parents instilled in them.

In my opinion, in building good relationships, it is very important to talk about difficult issues and emotions in an open and respectful way towards your partner. It is unacceptable to use your financial advantage to humiliate or subjugate your partner - and this applies to both women and men. Especially in the presence of others, reprimanding or ostentatiously emphasizing that we earn more will be especially painful for the less earner, while in the case of a man it can hurt him even more deeply and hurt his self-esteem.

It is worth showing the person who earns less in the relationship, what we value them for, what we like about them, how important is what they put into the well-being of our family. It is good to emphasize that we do not judge the value of people by their earnings. In addition, it is necessary to pay attention to whether, by chance, in conversations with a partner, we do not make fun of less earning people from our environment.

The labor market is increasingly dynamic. With the development of technology and social changes, new professions are constantly emerging. It happens that the amount of earnings in certain industries also changes compared to other positions. Each of us will change employers several times over the course of our career. A lot of people will change careers. So we need to be flexible and come to terms with the idea that it is difficult to predict how attractive our earnings will be over the years compared to the income of others — including our partner.

If we are stuck in the corset of old beliefs and social norms, it will expose us to a lot of stress - also in the context of the division of responsibilities and responsibilities for the maintenance of the household in the relationship. Openness, co-responsibility and partnership approach are in the interests of both the woman and the man. It helps reduce stress and conflict.

[1] I argue for: Size matters. Portfolio thickness important for Polish couples, author jm. https://www.pulshr.pl/wynagrodzenia/rozmiar-ma-znaczenie-grubosc-portfela-wazna-dla-polskich-par,19082.html
[2] Joanna Syrda, Spousal Relative Income and Male Psychological Distress, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167219883611