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Not everyone is cut out for parenthood
For years, social studies have shown that Poles consider family to be their most important value. According to a 2019 CBOS poll, "Just as in 2013, family happiness remains the top priority for 83% of Poles."[1] It is concerning, however, that an increasing percentage of people find that parenthood brings them frustration and a sense of being overwhelmed rather than happiness and fulfillment. This applies to both mothers and fathers.
Psychologist Joanna Drosio-Czaplińska explains: "The results of a study just published by SWPS University are shocking. 12–13 percent of parents in Poland regret having children. That is almost twice as many as in Germany, even though children rank very high on the scale of declared values in Poland. In my opinion, these statistics are still understated. Perhaps one shouldn't describe the world solely from the perspective of a psychotherapy office, but I often hear that parenthood is a major disappointment. Especially for women.
I hear that they overestimated their capabilities, including their mental ones. Sometimes, they even admit that mothers have trouble touching their children, that they don't like them, that it is emotionally draining, and that it is hard to endure. They are unable to reconcile these difficult feelings and thoughts with the fact that they do, in their own way, love their children and feel responsible for them.(…) On the other hand, a problem for many men is having weak relationships with their children. In therapy, they often admit that their children bore them, that they don't know how to be with them or how to talk to them. Many fathers, while working remotely, dedicated even more time to their jobs—adding 3 to 5 extra hours out of fear of losing their employment or a need to escape the family chaos."[2]
Some parents may eventually feel completely burnt out. By definition,parental burnout is a state of physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion. It causes those experiencing it to feel chronically tired, which can lead to anxiety, depression, or a weakened immune system, making them more susceptible to illness."[3] Much like professional burnout, such a person feels overwhelmed. They can no longer derive satisfaction from their usual activities. They lose confidence in their own parenting skills. They have less patience and may even emotionally distance themselves from their children.
What contributes to parental burnout?
The lockdown not only took away our normal way of life but also confined us with our household members 24/7 for many months, while simultaneously depriving us of psychological and physical outlets, such as going to a restaurant, the pool, or other extracurricular activities. There was a time when we weren't even allowed to go to a playground or a park. The consequences for the health and mental well-being of both adults and children, as well as for family relationships, are concerning.
Parents found themselves in the worst situation, as they suddenly lost the support of preschool teachers, educators, activity leaders, psychotherapists, and others who had cared for their children outside the home for a large part of the day. Consequently, additional responsibilities fell upon them. As psychologist Joanna Drosio-Czaplińska adds: "During the lockdown, parents were left alone with their children for many months, which sharpened all difficult feelings, although the theme of demystifying parenthood had already been resonating clearly even before the lockdown. (...) Many studies show that the frustration caused by the pandemic quickly began to manifest as higher levels of aggression. This is visible on the roads and in conversations with patients who come to therapy offices. It is also known that there was more aggression in homes where there were children. Their parents were more burdened than the rest of society and did not always know how to cope with difficult emotions, and by extension, the emotions of children who were scared and confused by these changes.[4]
Many people are offended when they hear the announcement on a plane: "Put your own mask on first, then your child's." However, this is a very rational rule, because if we are not functioning well ourselves, we are even less able to help our child. The same truth applies to psychological matters. If a parent does not take care of their own physical and mental health, rest, and fulfillment in areas important to them, it is more likely that fatigue, frustration, and negative emotions will also dominate their relationship with their child.
Perfectionism in parenting. The desire to become an ideal parent who takes care of every possible aspect of a child's upbringing first leads to a constant race between one activity for the child and another. It then turns into overload from an excess of responsibilities, combined with the guilt that the mother or father has neglected so many things. There are so many things one can do for a child—from preparing special meals to sensory integration, language learning, and activities developing creativity and social skills—that even dedicating all one's time would not allow for taking care of everything. Guilt combined with perfectionism is a toxic mix in both work and parenting.
Idealizing parenthood fosters disappointment. In advertisements, movies, and on social media, children are almost always cute, smiling, and well-behaved, while parents are overflowing with happiness and love. In real life, it doesn't look like that! Conflicts, difficult emotions, and problems happen. Both children and parents can be irritable, grumpy, or unkind. So, if someone imagined having a child as a string of only joyful moments, they will experience disappointment. Life consists of both wonderful and painful moments.
Sometimes, when a parent sees the gap between their own family and what is shown in the media, they try even harder at first. They read parenting guides, attend workshops, practice attachment parenting, and come up with new shared activities. They dedicate almost all their energy to the child. They engage in parenting like a workaholic in their job. However, even then, they will not be able to achieve the expected results because it is fundamentally unrealistic. Just as in the case of work, after the "workaholism" phase comes psychophysical exhaustion, a sense of failure, frustration, and bitterness.
Neglecting your own relationship and pushing your partner into the background will also foster conflict and burnout. Psychologists emphasize that happy and fulfilled parents provide better role models and emotions for a child than parents who have sacrificed so much for the child that they have lost themselves.
How to avoid parental burnout?
Make your expectations realistic both regarding yourself in the role of a parent and towards your child. Nothing is perfect—not work, not us, not relationships, nor our connections with our children. In addition to wonderful moments, there will also be difficult ones. You must give yourself moral permission to pursue your own desires and goals and to be a "good enough parent"—not a perfect one.
Work through your own problems, traumas, and destructive patterns. We cannot change the past. If your parents were dysfunctional or you were a victim of abuse, it leaves a mark. But it doesn't have to define your entire life. You can break the "toxic generational relay" and build healthy relationships, becoming a supportive parent even if you didn't have good role models in your own childhood. However, you must be aware that, as Dr. Konrad Piotrowski of SWPS University, author of pioneering research on parenthood, says: "Results to date have revealed that parents who regret having children are more likely to have had a traumatic childhood marked by violence and rejection, exhibit higher levels of depressive and anxiety symptoms, are more sensitive to social judgment, and experience severe parental burnout. Regretting parenthood is also linked to financial situation and marital status. Financial problems and single parenthood significantly increase the likelihood that a parent will regret their decision to have a child."[1]
Build a support network – as the saying goes, "it takes a village to raise a child." Make a list of people who can occasionally take some of the load off you – even if only now and then or for a fee (e.g., babysitters, activity leaders, psychologists). Propose mutual help with childcare and shared activities to parent friends. Don't be ashamed to ask for support.
Establish a division of tasks with your partner, not just regarding housework, but also childcare. Don't take everything on yourself.
Create space for your own emotions, for your partner, and for your children. This includes painful or shameful feelings. Start talking about them constructively as a family and teach your children to do the same. It will pay off for everyone.
Take care of your "psychological safety valves" – find time just for yourself. Even if it's only 30 minutes a day. Remember that the more tired and overwhelmed you are, the higher the probability of burnout, both at work and in family relationships.
Build a balance between your role as a parent and your other social roles. Everyone plays many roles – not just that of a parent, but also a spouse/partner, employee, friend, etc. Balancing them reduces the risk of burning out in any one of them.
Sometimes it is worth seeing a psychotherapist, a coach, or joining a parent support group to better understand your own emotions, problems, and needs, and to work on them constructively.
[1] Results of research conducted by the Public Opinion Research Center (CBOS), CBOS Newsletter 2/2020 https://www.cbos.pl/PL/publikacje/news/2020/02/newsletter.php
[2] Why do we sometimes have enough of our own children?, Interview by Martyna Bunda with psychologist Joanna Drosio-Czaplińska, Tygodnik Polityka, August 29, 2021, https://www.polityka.pl/tygodnikpolityka/spoleczenstwo/2130827,1,dlaczego-czasem-mamy-dosc-wlasnych-dzieci.read
[3] https://mamadu.pl/150797,co-ro-jest-wypalenie-rodzicielskie-rodzice-narazeni-sa-na-wypalenie
[4] Why do we sometimes have enough of our own children?, Polityka Weekly
[5] How many parents regret having children? – press release from SWPS University of Social Sciences and Humanities https://web.swps.pl/centrum-prasowe/informacje-prasowe/23785-jak-wielu-rodzicow-zaluje-posiadania-dzieci?dt=1658313918784&smclient=14a069e9-310d-11e9-bbe5-3cfdfeb6ee14
