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Not everyone finds himself as a parent
For years in social studies, Poles have declared that the most important value for them is family. According to a survey conducted by CBOS in 2019, “As in 2013, family happiness ranks first for 83% of Poles”.[1] What is worrying, however, is that there is a growing percentage of people to whom parenthood, instead of happiness and fulfillment, has brought frustration and a sense of overwhelm. This applies to both mothers and fathers.
Psychologist Joanna Drosio-Czaplińska explains: “The results of the newly published SWPS University research are shocking12-13% of parents in Poland regret having children. This is almost twice as much as in Germany, despite the fact that children are very high in Poland on the declared scale of values. In my opinion, these statistics are understated anyway. There may be nothing to tell the world from the perspective of a psychotherapy office—but I often hear that parenting is a big disappointment. Especially for women.
I hear they overestimated their capabilities, including mental ones. Sometimes mothers have trouble touching their children, that they do not like them, it is emotionally draining for them, it is difficult to endure all this. They are not able to reconcile difficult feelings and thoughts with the fact that, in their own way, they love their children, feel responsible for them. The problem of many men is poor relationships with children. In therapy, they often declare that children are bored with them, that they do not know how to be with them, how to talk. Many fathers, working remotely, devoted even more time to work — adding 3 to 5 hours more in fear of losing it or needing to escape the family hustle and bustle.[2]
Some parents may feel burned out at some point. By definition”Parental burnout is a state of physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion. This makes people who experience it feel chronically tired, which can lead to anxiety, anxiety, depression or weakened immunity, making them more susceptible to disease.”[3] Similarly to professional burnout, such a person feels overwhelmed. He can no longer derive satisfaction from his previous activities. He loses faith in his own parenting skills. He has less patience, he can even emotionally distance himself from children.
What promotes parental burnout?
Lockdown not only took away our normal functioning, but also closed for many months with the household 24h/7, depriving at the same time of psychological and physical stepping stone, such as going out to a restaurant, to the pool and other additional activities. There was a time when it was not even allowed to go to the playground or to the park. The effects on the health and psyche of both adults and children and family relationships are worrying.
Parents found themselves in the worst situation, as they lost overnight the help of preschoolers, teachers, animators, psychotherapists and others who cared for their children outside the home for a large part of the day. So additional responsibilities fell on them. As psychologist Joanna Drosio-Czaplińska adds: “During the lockdown, parents were left alone with their children for many months, which exacerbated all the difficult feelings, although even before the lockdown, the theme of discouraging parenting sounded clearly. (...) Many studies show that frustration, caused by the pandemic, quickly began to manifest itself at a greater level. Aggression. This can be seen on the roads, in conversations with patients who end up in therapy offices. It is also known that more aggression was in homes where there are children. Their parents were more burdened than the rest of society, and they didn't always know how to deal with difficult emotions, and what comes with it — the emotions of frightened, lost children in these changes.[4]
Many people are outraged when they hear the message on the plane: “Put on a mask first for yourself and then for the child.” However, this is a very rational principle, because if we don't function well ourselves, we won't help the child. The same truth applies to psychological issues. If the parent does not take care of his physical and mental health, rest and realization in important areas for him/her, then it is more likely that fatigue, frustration and negative emotions will also dominate the relationship with the child.
Perfectionism in parenting. The desire to become an ideal parent who takes care of all possible aspects of raising a child, first of all, drives you into a constant race between subsequent activities for the child and joint activities. Then she becomes overwhelmed with responsibilities and guilt that the mother/father has neglected so many things, because there are so many things you can do for your child — from preparing special meals to sensory integration, language learning, creativity and social skills — that even spending all your time won't take care of everything. Guilt combined with perfectionism is a toxic mix in both work and parenting.
Idealizing parenting fosters disappointment. In commercials, movies and social media, children are almost always cute, smiling and polite, while parents are filled with happiness and love. In real life, it doesn't look like that! There are conflicts, difficult emotions and problems. Both children and parents tend to be nervous, whiny or unkind. So, if a person imagined having a child as a string of only joyful moments, then he will experience disappointment. Life is made up of both wonderful and painful moments.
Sometimes a parent, seeing the rift between their own family and what they show in the media, tries even harder at first. She reads parenting guides, attends trainings, practices closeness parenting, comes up with other joint activities. He spends almost all his energy on the child. He engages in parenting like a workaholic at work. However, even then it will not achieve the expected results, as this is fundamentally unrealistic. As in the case of work, after the phase of “workaholism” comes psychophysical exhaustion, a sense of failure, frustration and bitterness.
Neglecting your own relationship and pushing your partner to the background will also promote conflict and burnout. Psychologists emphasize that happy and fulfilled parents give the child better patterns and emotions than parents who sacrificed so much for the child that they lost themselves.
How to avoid parental burnout?
Realize Expectations both for yourself as a parent and for the child. Nothing is perfect — neither work nor us nor relationships or relationships with children. In addition to great moments, there will be difficult ones. You should also give yourself moral permission to pursue your own desires and goals and to be a “good enough parent” — not a perfect one.
Work through your own problems, traumas and destructive patterns. We can't undo the past. If your parents were dysfunctional or you were a victim of violence, this stigma will fade away. But it doesn't have to affect your whole life. It is possible to break the “toxic relay of generations” and build healthy relationships and become a supportive parent even if we ourselves did not have good role models in childhood. However, one should be aware that, as Dr. Konrad Piotrowski from SWPS University, author of pioneering research on parenting, says: “The results so far have revealed that parents who regret having children are more likely to have a traumatic childhood marked by violence and rejection, are characterized by a higher severity of depressive and anxiety symptoms, are more sensitive to evaluation They suffer from social problems and severe parental burnout. Regret parenting is also related to financial situation and marital status. Financial problems and single parenting significantly increase the likelihood that a parent will regret their decision to have a child.”[1]
Provide yourself with a support network As the old saying goes, “you need a whole village to raise a child.” Make a list of people who can sometimes relieve you of the burden on your child — even if only occasionally or for a fee (e.g. babysitters, animators, psychologists). Offer friendly parents mutual help with children and joint activities. Don't be shy about asking for support.
Establish a division of tasks with your partner not only about household chores, but also about taking care of children. Don't take it all on yourself.
Create space for your own emotions, partner and children. Also for painful or embarrassing feelings. Start talking about them constructively in the family and teach this to your children. It will pay off for everyone.
Take care of the “psychological safety valves” — Find time just for yourself. If only 30 minutes a day. Keep in mind that the more tired and overwhelmed you are, the more likely you are to burn out both at work and in family relationships.
Build a balance between the role of the parent and other social roles. Everyone has multiple roles — not just a parent, but also a spouse/partner, employee, friend, etc. The balance between the two reduces the risk of burnout in any of the roles.
Sometimes it's worth it report to a psychotherapist, a coach or a parent support group to better understand your own emotions, problems and needs and work on them constructively.
[1] Results of research conducted by the Center for the Study of Social Opinion, CBOS Newsletter 2/2020 https://www.cbos.pl/PL/publikacje/news/2020/02/newsletter.php
[2] Why do we sometimes have enough of our own children? , Martyna Bund's conversation with psychologist Joanna Drosio-Czaplińska, Polityka Weekly, 29 August 2021, https://www.polityka.pl/tygodnikpolityka/spoleczenstwo/2130827,1,dlaczego-czasem-mamy-dosc-wlasnych-dzieci.read
[3] https://mamadu.pl/150797,co-ro-jest-wypalenie-rodzicielskie-rodzice-narazeni-sa-na-wypalenie
[4] Why do we sometimes have enough of our own children? , Polityka Weekly
[5] How many parents regret having children? — press release SWPS University of Humanities and Social Sciences https://web.swps.pl/centrum-prasowe/informacje-prasowe/23785-jak-wielu-rodzicow-zaluje-posiadania-dzieci?dt=1658313918784&smclient=14a069e9-310d-11e9-bbe5-3cfdfeb6ee14
