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Where do limiting beliefs come from?
Self-limiting beliefs—those self-destructive opinions we hold about ourselves—often take root in childhood. If those closest to us were very critical or constantly compared us to people who were better in a given area, we may start to imagine that we are weak and won't achieve much. Phrases like "It's great you got an A, but Kate got an A+," "Don't even start, you won't be able to do it," or "Try harder" can stay with us for the rest of our lives.
A powerful voice of an "Inner Critic" may emerge in our heads, constantly saying: "You could have done better. You could have achieved more. You failed again." This voice hurts, clips our wings, and breeds a fear of future failure. Worse still, we fail to recognize our own strengths and progress even when they are clearly there! After all, there is always something more to achieve, and there will always be someone better than us... You can find more about the destructive impact of comparison on self-esteem in my article Why toxic comparisons with others lower your life satisfaction.
Where does our lack of self-confidence come from?
- Overprotective parenting
A lack of self-confidence and the conviction that we aren't capable of coping can be caused by overprotective parents. Especially when they did things for us or removed all difficult or stressful situations from our path. Even if they had good intentions and wanted to protect us from unpleasantness, disappointment, or failure, the result is unfortunately that we suffer even more later on. We have low self-esteem. We are full of complexes, anxieties, and fears. Because we didn't have enough exposure to challenging situations, we cannot believe that we can cope without a protective umbrella, and we won't fight. In this way, we become prisoners of our limiting beliefs.
- Perfectionism as a barrier to action
Paradoxically perfectionism can also lead to the emergence of limiting beliefs and low self-esteem. If we strive excessively for perfection and criticize ourselves for anything less than ideal, we will inevitably feel that we are never good enough. We will start to fear stepping out of our comfort zone and experimenting, because after all, everything is difficult before it becomes easy. We will believe that we are not cut out for most things simply because we did not give ourselves enough time and opportunities to gain experience.
It is natural for things not to work out at first. Since practice makes perfect, without sufficient practice, we will not have the chance to see if we actually have an aptitude for something.
- Experiencing violence
being a victim of violence – especially in childhood – often undermines self-worth. In coaching sessions, I have had many clients who doubted themselves due to workplace bullying or experiencing physical or emotional abuse in a relationship or family.
Limiting beliefs can be a derivative of negative stereotypes related to gender, age, background, appearance, personality, or health conditions. If we believe in advance that it is "too late" for us, for example, to start a new job, we won't even try. We will never find out if we had the opportunity to achieve our dreams. Harmful self-stereotypes (those you also share about yourself or your social group) can strip you of the courage to even test yourself in a given field.
It is not easy to overcome obstacles that are beyond one's control. It is even harder not to give up when others mock our ambitions and intentions. An example? One of the most recognizable stars of the music scene, Freddie Mercury (of the band Queen), despite the circumstances and a serious dental malocclusion, consistently pursued his goal and achieved legendary success. Such a story can also motivate you to focus on your goals and strengths rather than your deficits.
How to break through self-limiting beliefs?
- Start by becoming aware of the positive and negative opinions you hold about yourself. Then make a list of those beliefsthat cause you to assume failure in advance, even though you haven't tried or have no basis to believe that you have absolutely no chance. Reframe the self-destructive beliefso that it is no longer so restrictive; for example, instead of "I will never earn good money," tell yourself, "If I want to earn more, I need to do/learn [this]."
- Write down a list of your strengths, advantages, and achievements. Read it whenever you feel like you're not good enough. Recall positive outcomes from situations that once seemed overwhelming. Celebrate your successes – even the small ones!
- A realistic view of your strengths and weaknesses helps build a more stable sense of self-worth and find a healthy balance between self-confidence and the ability to accurately assess your skills and capabilities.
- It is valuable to be able to distinguish facts from opinions – both when evaluating ourselves and when assessing other people or situations. It may be a fact that you failed an exam or that learning foreign languages is difficult for you. A self-destructive opinion would be: "I'm not cut out for university," "nothing ever works out for me," or "I will never be able to communicate in English."
- Avoid generalizations like "never," "always," or "every single time." When the thought "I will never learn this" pops into your head, recall a situation where you were convinced that learning something was completely out of your reach, yet you managed to do it! And if your Inner Critic whispers, "You lose every time," break that belief by reminding yourself of situations where you succeeded.
- Look for someone in your circle who is similar to you in certain respects and has achieved whatyou consider impossible. For example, if you think it's too late to change careers, find people who did it when they were your age.
- Read biographies – you will see that everyone has faced many failures and had moments of doubt. What characterizes successful people is their consistent pursuit of their goals.
- When someone discourages you from taking action or gives you negative feedback, consider both the validity of those remarks and the intent behind them. Constructive criticism is meant to help you improve and does not strip you of your dignity.
Important: try to realize where did this belief come from about yourself. Have you always had it? Or did someone "convince" you of it, perhaps a teacher, your parents, a boss, or friends? Often, others can plant negative self-perception and low self-esteem in us…
The good news is that you can effectively work on strengthening your self-worth and regaining a sense of agency (control over your own life), both of which are crucial for achieving well-being and seizing the opportunities that life brings your way.
