Closeness and autonomy. How do you find balance in a relationship?

Autonomy and closeness – what do they mean in a relationship?

Autonomy in the context of a relationship means independence and the ability to self-determine, which is the right of each partner to make their own decisions. Closeness, also known as intimacy, is a state of deep emotional connection between two people, where the personal space of each party can be entered by the other without causing discomfort. Intimacy is a hallmark of close, tender, and loving personal relationships, requiring mutual understanding and empathy from both partners. In a romantic relationship, we are constantly balancing the need for closeness with the desire to maintain autonomy, striving to build a bond based on both connection and independence.

The Big Five personality traits and our needs

Each of us is unique. Beyond the basic, universal needs required for survival, we also have a set of specific needs tailored to our personality style and life experiences. This stems from individual differences—varying temperaments and character traits, as well as our personal history, which teaches us what we desire and what we prefer to avoid. This applies to every sphere of our lives, including romantic relationships.

Our needs can be strongly linked to our personality traits. In psychology, one of the fundamental theories of personality is the Five-Factor Model, known as the "Big Five," developed by Paul Costa and Robert McCrae. This model includes five core traits that we all possess, though some traits may be more pronounced in some individuals than in others.

The Big Five personality traits

1. Extraversion – defines the need for the presence of other people in our lives and the way we interact with our environment.
2. Openness to experience – refers to the need to explore new sensations.
3. Neuroticism reflects how we emotionally respond to various situations.
4. Conscientiousness – relates to goal-oriented behavior and the ability to exercise self-control.
5. Agreeableness – describes our tendency toward prosocial behavior and willingness to cooperate.

Depending on the intensity of specific personality traits, our approach to intimacy and autonomy in a relationship can vary. Here are a few examples:

1. A person with high extraversion and high openness to experience will likely need more autonomy, which may involve seeking stimulation outside the relationship, such as frequently going out with friends or pursuing new hobbies.
2. A person with low extraversion and low openness to experience may, in turn, prefer a familiar, secure environment, choosing to spend time at home and engaging in activities with their partner without involving others, such as acquaintances or friends. Such a person may require more intimacy than autonomy.

Analyzing the example above, it is clear that if people with such different approaches to intimacy and autonomy were to form a relationship, it could lead to conflict until they learn to respect each other's needs. Let's look at a different distribution of traits:

1. A person with high agreeableness and low neuroticism may prioritize their partner's needs and more easily adapt to their rules, including those regarding autonomy and intimacy. Although they may personally require a high level of intimacy, they might also have a tendency to neglect this need in favor of a more dominant partner.
2. A person with low agreeableness and high neuroticism does not avoid conflict, and may even provoke it. Consequently, they may struggle to maintain intimacy with a partner and feel a strong need for autonomy, which they will firmly defend by any means necessary.

A relationship between such a couple can be challenging, as one side may easily take control of the dynamic, which in the long run can lead to neglecting the needs of the partner who has high agreeableness and low neuroticism.

What else can set us apart?

Beyond differences in personality traits that influence our needs for autonomy and intimacy, there are several other factors that can play a role

1. Attachment style formed in childhood – if we experienced secure bonds with our parents during childhood, we are likely to find it easier to enter into close, trusting relationships with a partner. Conversely, a lack of security in childhood can lead to a fear of intimacy
2. Past experiences – if we have been in a relationship in the past where the needs of both partners were neglected in favor of overly intense intimacy, we may assert our own need for autonomy in subsequent relationships to avoid similar problems.
3. Cultural and social context – factors such as cultural values, socioeconomic background, and upbringing influence how we communicate. Couples who are aware of these influences and adjust their approach accordingly can navigate challenges more effectively, building stronger, more resilient relationships.

Finding balance through diversity

So, how can you understand your own needs while also considering your partner's? The concept of "differentiation," described by psychologist Dr. David Schnarch, offers some guidance. In his research, he explored the ability to remain connected to a partner while maintaining a sense of self-worth and individuality. Schnarch suggests that maintaining autonomy within a relationship allows partners to grow personally without feeling overly dependent. In differentiated relationships, partners are able to hold onto their own beliefs, values, and goals while respecting the individuality of their partner. This approach strengthens the balance between intimacy and autonomy. Differentiation does not mean emotional distance; rather, it involves the ability to hold onto your own thoughts, values, and emotions, even in the face of differences or pressure from a partner.

Key elements of differentiation according to David Schnarch

1. Self-soothing – differentiation in a relationship requires the ability to manage your own emotions instead of relying on your partner to do so. Schnarch emphasizes that people in differentiated relationships are able to handle their own anxieties and frustrations independently, reducing the emotional burden on their partner.
2. Maintaining personal values and boundaries – differentiation involves being aware of your own values and boundaries while respecting the other person. This approach allows both partners to remain authentic and avoid excessive enmeshment, where individual identities can become blurred.
3. Developing "solid flexibility" – this concept refers to being flexible enough to support mutual growth while maintaining a stable foundation of one's own identity. Schnarch believes that solid flexibility allows partners to openly express their true selves in conflict situations without feeling that their own values are threatened.
4. Tolerance for discomfort – differentiation requires the ability to tolerate emotional discomfort, especially in situations of conflict or disagreement. Schnarch emphasizes that the ability to tolerate discomfort—rather than avoiding it through distance or excessive closeness—allows partners to handle conflicts more effectively and build intimacy based on authenticity and honesty.

Looking at the points above, it is hard not to notice how much self-awareness this approach requires. Once we recognize this connection, it comes as no surprise that in the process of creating healthy differentiation in a relationship, Schnarch recommends practices such as self-reflection and the pursuit of self-discovery. Over time, this fosters a sense of self-worth and individuality that supports both intimacy and autonomy, enabling the relationship to continue to grow.

Summary

Every romantic relationship is unique because it is based on individual differences in personality, values, attachment styles, and life experiences. This means there is no universal recipe for relationship success. Psychological research indicates that while certain principles, such as effective communication, can support healthy relationships, flexibility and the ability to reflect are essential to account for the unique dynamics of every partnership. A healthy relationship is therefore based on ensuring that the needs of both parties are met. However, we decide on the nature and intensity of these needs ourselves, through the work of developing a deep understanding of who we are.

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