Closeness and autonomy. How do you find balance in a relationship?

Autonomy and closeness — what are they in a relationship?

Autonomy in the context of relationships means independence and the possibility of self-determination, that is, the right of each partner to decide for himself. In turn, closeness, also called intimacy, is a state of deep emotional agreement between two people, in which the personal space of each of the parties can be crossed by the other party without causing discomfort. Intimacy is a feature of close, affectionate, loving personal relationships, requiring mutual understanding and empathy from partners. In a romantic relationship, we constantly balance between the need for closeness and the desire to maintain autonomy, trying to build a relationship based on both ties and independence.

Five personality traits and our needs

Each of us is unique. In addition to the basic needs necessary for survival, which are universal, we also have a set of specific needs, adapted to our personality style and life experiences. This is due to individual differences — different temperaments and character traits, as well as our history so far, that teaches us what we want and what we prefer to avoid. This applies to every area of our lives, including romantic relationships.

Our needs can be strongly linked to personality traits. In psychology, one of the fundamental theories of personality traits is the Five-Factor Model of Personality, called the “Big Five” developed by Paul Costa and Robert McCrae. The ten model contains five basic characteristics that we all possess, but in some people individual traits may be more pronounced, in others less so.

The Big Five Personality Traits

1. Extraversion It defines the need for the presence of other people in our lives and the way we interact with the environment.
2. Openness to experience — refers to the need to explore new sensations.
3. Neuroticism It reflects the way we react emotionally to different situations.
4. Conscientiousness — it is associated with the ability to orient oneself towards the achievement of goals and the ability to self-control.
5. Agreeableness — describes our propensity for prosocial behavior and willingness to cooperate.

Depending on the intensity of individual personality traits, our approach to closeness and autonomy in a relationship can vary. Here are some examples:

1. A person with high extroversion and a lot of openness to experiences will probably need more autonomy, which may involve seeking stimulation outside the relationship, e.g. through frequent outings with friends or pursuing new passions.
2. Person with low extraversion and low openness to experiences may, in turn, prefer a familiar, safe environment, choosing to spend time at home and share activities with a partner without involving others, e.g. acquaintances or friends. Such a person may need more closeness than autonomy.

Analyzing the example above, it can be seen that if people with such different approaches to closeness and autonomy created a relationship, it could lead to conflicts until they learned to respect the needs of the other party. Let's look at another distribution of characteristics:

1. A person with high agreeableness and low neuroticism can put the needs of the partner first and adapt more easily to his principles, also in terms of autonomy and closeness. While she herself may need a lot of closeness, at the same time she may tend to neglect this need in favor of a more dominant partner.
2. A person with low agreeableness and high neuroticism does not avoid conflictsand may even provoke them. He may therefore have trouble maintaining closeness with his partner and feel a strong need for autonomy, which he will resolutely defend, by all means.

The relationship of such a couple can be a challenge, since one of the parties can easily take control of its dynamics, which in the long run can lead to neglecting the needs of a partner with high agreeableness and low neuroticism.

What else can differentiate us?

In addition to differences in personality traits that affect our needs for autonomy and closeness, there are several other factors that may matter

1. Attachment style formed in childhood If we have experienced secure bonds with our parents in childhood, we will probably find it easier to enter into a close, trusting relationship with our partner. Insecurity in childhood, on the other hand, can cause fear of closeness
2. Previous experiences — if in the past we have been in a relationship in which the needs of both partners were neglected in favor of too intense closeness, we can mark in the next relationship our own need for autonomy to avoid similar problems.
3. Cultural and social context Factors such as cultural values, socioeconomic background and upbringing influence the way we communicate. Couples who are aware of the influence of these factors and adjust their approach accordingly can deal with challenges more effectively by building stronger, more stress-resistant relationships.

Finding Balance Through Differentiation

So how do you understand your own needs and at the same time take into account the needs of your partner? With a hint comes the concept of “differentiation”, described by psychologist Dr. David Schnarch, who in his research dealt with the issue of the ability to stay in a relationship with a partner while maintaining self-esteem and individuality. Schnarch suggests that maintaining autonomy in a relationship allows partners to grow personally without feeling overly dependent. In diverse relationships, partners are able to stick to their own beliefs, values, and goals while respecting the partner's individuality. This approach strengthens the balance between closeness and autonomy. Differentiation does not mean emotional distance—it is rather about the ability to hold on to your own thoughts, values, and emotions even in the face of differences or pressures from your partner.

Key elements of differentiation according to David Schnarch

1. Self-teaching — differentiation in a relationship requires the ability to deal with one's own emotions, rather than relying on a partner to do so. Schnarch emphasizes that people in diverse relationships are able to cope with their fears and frustrations on their own, reducing the emotional burden on their partner.
2. Upholding personal values and boundaries Differentiation involves an awareness of one's own values and boundaries while respecting the other person. This approach allows both partners to remain authentic and avoid over-entanglement where individual identities can blur.
3. Developing 'robust flexibility' — This concept refers to being flexible enough to foster mutual development while maintaining a stable foundation of one's own identity. Schnarch believes that robust flexibility allows partners to openly express their true selves in conflict situations, without feeling threatened by their own values.
4. Tolerance of discomfort — Differentiation requires the ability to tolerate emotional discomfort, especially in situations of conflict or disagreement. Schnarch emphasizes that the ability to tolerate discomfort — rather than avoiding it through distance or excessive closeness — allows partners to deal more effectively with conflict and build intimacy based on authenticity and sincerity.

Having familiarized yourself with the above points, it is difficult not to notice how much self-awareness this approach requires. When we recognize this dependence, it will come as no surprise to us that Schnarch, in the process of creating healthy differentiation in the relationship, recommends such practices as self-reflection and the pursuit of self-knowledge. Over time, this favors the building of self-esteem and individuality that support both intimacy and autonomy, allowing the relationship to continue to grow.

summary

Every romantic relationship is unique because it is based on individual differences in personality, values, attachment styles, and life experiences. This means that there is no universal recipe for success in relationships. Psychological research indicates that although certain rules, such as Adequate communication, can support healthy relationships, so flexibility and the ability to reflect are essential to accommodate the different dynamics of each relationship. A healthy relationship is based on meeting the needs of both parties. However, we decide the type and intensity of these needs on our own, by working on a deep understanding of ourselves.

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