Empathetic communication – get to know Nonviolent Communication

What does nonviolence actually mean?

A famous communication model Nonviolent Communication (NVC) teaches us how to phrase our statements based on a few key principles to express our thoughts and intentions effectively. The creator of this method, Marshall Rosenberg, emphasized avoiding violence in speech. This doesn't just refer to insults or harsh criticism—which obviously have no place in a civil conversation—but also to more subtle aspects of communication that can offend the other person. These include, for example:

1. Statements that refer not to a specific situation, but to the entire history of our relationship with the other person, such as "You always try to spite me!" or "You're never there when I need you." Using quantifiers like "always" or "never" can make the person we are speaking to feel helpless and lower their self-esteem.
2. Relying on stereotypes. We often hurt others with our words without realizing it. An example would be saying, "You're so tall, you must be great at basketball." Such a comment suggests that we view the person through the lens of stereotypical thinking, ignoring their individual traits or interests.
3. Judgment in communication. Statements like "You're lazy, which is why you failed that exam" can be hurtful to the recipient because they contain a judgment about the person's character. It is therefore worth remembering to address the specific behavior of our interlocutor rather than judging them as a person.
4. Avoiding responsibility for one's own feelings. In this way, we can unintentionally make the other person feel guilty or hurt. So, instead of saying "You make me angry when you make so much noise," it is better to say "I feel angry when you listen to music so loudly."  

What is the difference between a jackal and a giraffe?

The creator of NVC called a way of speaking based on judgment, criticism, or diagnosis "jackal language." According to Rosenberg, the jackal starts sentences with "You," e.g., "You can't do anything right," or "You're so thoughtless." This type of language has consequences and almost always leads to conflict.

On the other side is "giraffe language," which is based on empathy and the conscious expression of feelings and needs. Giraffe language starts sentences with "I.", e.g., "I feel sad when I see that you don't put things back in their place," or "I feel angry about how you treat our dog." The intention behind this language is to foster mutual understanding and reach an agreement, rather than to provoke conflict. When the listener hears giraffe language, they don't feel attacked and aren't inclined to argue; instead, they reflect on their behavior, which is the first step toward improving the quality of the relationship in the future.

Nonviolent Communication: A User's Guide

Marshall Rosenberg believed that behind every message, even the most difficult or aggressive ones, lies an unmet need of the person speaking. When a husband tells his wife, "I can never count on you," what he really means is that he wants to feel supported by his partner. The problem is that when the wife hears it phrased this way, she feels criticized and attacked. Instead of hearing the unmet need in her husband's words, her natural reaction is to defend herself, which often leads to a counterattack. This is how misunderstandings and arguments are born.

Usually, when we are overwhelmed by difficult emotions like anger, it is hard to maintain enough awareness to understand what unmet need that emotion is signaling. This leads us to bombard the other person with insinuations or petty remarks, or to raise our voices, without actually understanding what we really need from them. The NVC method provides specific guidelines that help us better understand our intentions, and then communicate them to the other person in a balanced way that addresses the core of the problem.

A statement in the style of Nonviolent Communication should consist of the following elements:

1. Observation. The first step in a conversation should be to refer to a specific fact that makes you feel the need to address something with the other person. These can be sentences like, "I noticed that you were 30 minutes late," or "I see that you pushed your brother." It is important to remember that an observation is not the same as an evaluation—it is not our interpretation of the situation, but rather a reference to the facts alone.
2. Feelings. The next step is to recognize that you likely felt an emotion in response to the other person's actions. You should reveal this emotion by saying, for example, "I was irritated by your lateness," or "When you speak to me like that, I feel ashamed."
3. Need. The next step involves identifying and verbalizing the need that was compromised by the other person's behavior, for example: "I need to feel that you take our joint project seriously" or "It is important to me that we respect each other in our family."
4. Request. The final step is to formulate a request, which also serves as guidance on how we would like the other person to behave in a similar situation next time, for example: "Please do not be late again."

Self-observation as a key element of NVC

To communicate effectively in the spirit of Nonviolent Communication, one must demonstrate a high degree of self-observation. We must understand what we are truly feeling and what we need, which requires deep reflection and self-analysis. It turns out, therefore, that NVC not only supports our relationships but also develops our awareness of our own emotional states and the values that are important to us. Although this way of communicating may be demanding at first, ultimately it helps us notice and better express our own emotions. By delving into the principles of NVC, we become increasingly proficient in the interaction between our inner world and our surroundings. This, in turn, increases our mental resilience, which is extremely important in today's world.

A significant effect of practicing the principles of Nonviolent Communication is also connecting with our own resources of empathy – this allows us to experience relationships with others more deeply and expand our emotional intelligence. It is therefore worth training in this way of communicating – not only our loved ones will benefit from it, but we ourselves as well.

Bibliography:

[1] Rosenberg M. B., Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, Czarna Owca Publishing, Warsaw, 2017.
[2] Rosenberg M. B., Living Nonviolent Communication, Mind Publishing, 2022.