Empathetic communication – get to know Nonviolent Communication

No violence, how?

The famous communication model Nonviolent Communications (NVC), or Non-Violent Agreement, teaches you to formulate your statements in such a way that, based on several principles, you can effectively impress your thoughts and intentions. The creator of this method, Marshall Rosenberg, emphasized the avoidance of violence in speech. However, this is not about name-calling or harsh criticism, which obviously cannot take place in a cultural conversation, but about the more subtle aspects of communication that can offend the other party. They are, for example:

1. Statements that refer not to a specific situation, but to the entire past of our relationship with the other person, such as “You always make me angry!” or “You're not there when you're needed.” The use of quantifiers “always” or “never” in statements can cause a feeling of powerlessness in the person to whom we are addressing and lower their self-esteem.
2. Relying on stereotypes. It often happens that we unconsciously hurt the interlocutor with our statements. An example would be the statement “You're so tall, you probably do great in basketball.” Such a comment suggests that we perceive a person through the prism of template thinking, without taking into account their individual characteristics or interests.
3. Judgment in communications. Statements such as “You are lazy and therefore did not pass this exam” can be hurtful to the recipient, as they contain an assessment of the person's identity. It is therefore worth remembering to refer to the specific behavior of our interlocutor, and not to judge him as a human being.
4. Avoiding taking responsibility for one's own feelings. In this way, we can unconsciously provoke feelings of guilt and harm in the interlocutor. So instead of saying “You make me angry when you make so much noise”, it is better to say “I feel angry when you listen to music so loudly”.

How is a jackal different from a giraffe?

A way of speaking based on judgments, criticism or making diagnoses was called the language of the jackal by the creator of NVC. According to Rosenberg, the jackal begins his speech with the message “You”, For example, “You don't know how to do it right,” or “You're mindless.” Such language has its consequences and most often leads to conflicts.

On the other side is the so-called giraffe language, based on empathy and the conscious expression of feelings and needs. The giraffe begins with the word “I”, such as “I feel sad when I see that you do not put things in place”, “The way you treat our dog makes me angry”. The intention of this language is to try to understand and get along with each other, not to strive for conflict. The recipient — hearing the statements of the giraffe — does not feel attacked and does not want to argue, and instead subjects his behavior to reflection, from which it is only a step to improve the quality of the relationship in the future.

Non-Violent Agreement User Manual

Marshall Rosenberg believed that behind every message, even the most difficult and violent, were the unmet needs of the person who uttered the message. When a husband says to his wife “You can never be counted on”, what he really means is that he would like to feel that he has support in his partner. The problem, however, is that the wife — hearing such a statement — will feel criticized and attacked. Instead of hearing an unmet need in her husband's words, her natural reaction will be defense, which often leads to a counterattack. This is how misunderstandings and quarrels are born.

Usually, when we are overwhelmed by difficult emotions, such as anger, it is difficult to remain aware enough to understand the unmet need that emotion signals. It causes us to accuse the other person with insinuations, petty malice or raise our voices against them, without actually understanding what we really expect from them. The NVC method contains specific tips that help us better understand our intentions, and then communicate them to the interlocutor in a balanced way and consistent with the essence of the problem.

A Non-Violent Agreement-style statement should consist of the following elements:

1. Observation. The first step in a conversation should be to refer to a specific fact that causes us to have the need to communicate something to the other person. These can be sentences such as “I noticed you were 30 minutes late.” “I see you pushed your brother.” It is important to remember that observation is not the same as evaluation — it is not our interpretation of a given situation, but only refers to the facts.
2. Feelings. The next step is to recognize that we have probably felt some emotion in relation to the other person's behavior. This emotion should be revealed by saying, for example, “I was annoyed by your lateness”, “When you talk to me like this, I feel ashamed”.
3. Need. The next step involves discovering and verbalizing your need that has been violated as a result of the behavior of the other person, such as “I need to feel that you take our joint project seriously”, “It is important for me that we respect each other in the family”.
4. Request. The last step is to formulate a request and at the same time indicate how we would like the other party to behave next time in a similar situation, such as “Please don't be late anymore”.

Self-observation as a key element of NVC

In order to communicate effectively in the spirit of the Non-Violent Agreement, a high degree of self-observation must be demonstrated. We need to understand what we really feel and what we need, and this requires deep reflection and analysis of ourselves. So it turns out that NVC not only supports our relationships, but also develops our attention to our own emotional states and values that are important to us. Although this way of communicating may be challenging at first, in effect helps us notice and express our own emotions better. As we explore the principles of NVC, we become more and more adept at the interaction between our inner world and our surroundings. This, in turn, increases our mental resilience (resilience), which is extremely important nowadays.

A significant effect of practicing the principles of Non-Violent Understanding is also connecting with our own resources of empathy — it allows us to experience relationships more deeply with others and broaden emotional intelligence. Therefore, it is worth training this way of communicating — not only our loved ones, but also ourselves will benefit from it.

Bibliography:

_{[1] Rosenberg M.B., Agreement without violence, Wydawnictwo Czarna Owca, Warsaw, 2017.
[2] Rosenberg M.B., In a world of nonviolent agreement, Mind Publishing, 2022.}