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Disputes over money lead to divorce
According to research on the causes of divorce conducted between 2004 and 2017 at the University of California, San Diego (5,300 pairs in Germany), differences in the propensity to take risks play a key role. Professor of Economics Marta Serra-Garcia — author of this study[1] explains that although disputes over money are a common cause of divorce, the main factor that increases the likelihood of a breakup is precisely differences in the propensity to take risks. He adds that couples who had the most different risk preferences divorced twice as often as couples with similar attitudes. Discrepancies in this area are also the strongest predictor for divorce of all the variables analyzed. Of course, the study also examined the influence of education level, origin or religion.
Large differences in willingness to take risks can also lead to couples less likely to decide to buy or renovate a home, as this decision is very burdensome and it will be difficult for them to reach an agreement with such different preferences. Moreover — a person who does not feel much stress when making such decisions, may even downplay the partner's problem with “signing a few papers for the bank”... However, if we talked more deeply with each of the partners about what a given financial decision means for them, what emotions it causes and how strong they are (especially on the scale of stress or anxiety) — we would have the impression that they are talking about decisions completely weight loss!
I am also approached for financial coaching by people who have serious conflicts in their relationships resulting from a completely different approach to broadly understood financial issues. Especially those that involve risk, credit commitment or the approach to spending and saving.
[1] Christine Clark, Differences in Financial Risk Preferences Can Make or Break a Marriage, 27.07.2021 https://ucsdnews.ucsd.edu/pressrelease/differences-in-financial-risk-preferences-can-make-or-break-a-marriage
What to do so that quarrels over finances do not destroy relationships?
Primarily, Money should not be a taboo subject in the family. Counting that “we will somehow make it” can lead to quarrels, grievances and even parting. Although it sounds unromantic, when you start a “joint household” - especially before you decide to have a wedding or children - it is worth talking to each other not only about the division of responsibilities, mutual expectations about the relationship, or the influence of worldview on living together and the goals you pursue. It is also good to move directly. the issue of money management, planning and distribution of expenses: whether bank accounts will be shared or separate and who will be responsible for which areas of the household budget. It is best to openly and honestly tell us what our approach to saving and spending is, what degree of financial risk is within our psychological comfort zone and how much debt (long or short term and for what expenses) is acceptable for us, and what generates enormous stress or concern.
During the formation of a relationship, it is helpful to observe how your partner manages money. For example, if after a paycheck he spends almost his entire salary on pleasures, and at the end of the month he drastically saves or borrows, then a red light should light up for us - especially if for us rational spending and monthly postponement of a certain amount are a prerequisite for feeling comfortable. However, instead of making reproaches, it is worthwhile to honestly explain to a loved one how we see it from our perspective, what emotions such a situation arouses in us and why we perceive it as a problem. Talking about what baggage of experiences, beliefs and habits we have brought from the family home and whether we want to replicate these patterns can also explain a lot. From the lips of many clients I heard: “In my house, parents constantly quarreled about money/constantly reprimanded each other's expenses, and I do not want to.” However, it happens that we involuntarily reproduce these unwanted patterns and then it is worth analyzing the mechanisms that lead us to do so.
The problem is also that often we ourselves are not aware of how the family home and the environment have shaped us or according to what patterns we act. So the key is to increase self-awareness of how I approach financial issues and whether it helps us in life or requires change.
How to talk to loved ones about money?
When some action on the part of your partner is painful or difficult for you to accept and you want to talk to him, first prepare for this conversation. Remember the rules of giving constructive feedback (feedback) so that the conversation does not turn into a quarrel and exchange of grievances. Be based on specific situations or behaviors. Distinguish facts from your opinions. Avoid Type Formulations:”you always You are spending money unwisely.”you never You don't pay your bills on time.” Such generalizations only increase the unwillingness of the partner to listen to you, moreover, it is easy to undermine them, finding even one example when the criticized person acted differently than you reproach him.
One method of openly talking about our emotions or feelings — but without blaming or escalating the conflict — is the so-called. message Yes, in which we do not attribute bad intentions to the partner, but we say directly how we feel about what they have done. For example, when a loved one debited the card without our knowledge, instead of saying: “You don't care how I feel! I've told you so many times not to debit your account!” , it's better to say, “When you debit your account — even though you know how stressful it is for me — I feel like you don't care about my mental comfort/like you don't care about my feelings.”
Remember: when talking about finances, don't let emotions get the better of you. If it gets too “hot”, it is better to stop the difficult discussion and determine when you can return to it calmly.
In the event that a couple does not succeed in resolving financial disputes constructively, it is worth considering the help of a financial coach or even a psychotherapist. The background of financial conflicts can be very deep and touch on such fundamental issues as values, beliefs, security, trust, self-esteem or personality traits.
Also, working independently on changing bad habits (e.g. making untimely payments), destructive patterns of action or beliefs, and understanding your needs and emotions can greatly improve our relationship with your partner.
