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Searching for boundaries
To have an opinion of your own, you must first survey the terrain. The dictionary defines it as a "line of division," a "measure of what is permissible," and the "limit of a person's physical and mental capabilities." Definitions have their own limits, too—without them, we would be endlessly splitting hairs—but defining your own "personal boundary" is homework for each of us. "The right to express one's thoughts has meaning only if we are able to have thoughts of our own," emphasized Erich Fromm in *Escape from Freedom*.
Approaching, distancing, and integrating
Antoni Kępiński wrote that it is human nature to "ebb and flow"—to draw near and pull away in order to process what happened while we were close. You can, of course, deny, rationalize, and repress this, but a suppressed need will manifest as frustration—anger will arise, along with the classic, "Leave me alone, I just want some peace and quiet!" While boundaries aren't strictly about emotions, anger is strictly about boundaries.
Relationships at the boundary
To set a boundary in the right place, we must examine the terrain of our psyche—our thoughts, feelings, decisions, actions, needs, rights, memories, and secrets—not just our physical space or material resources. In a professional context, boundaries help avoid overload, protect against burnout, and maintain balance. Jesper Juul said that "a person can only agree to something with full conviction if they feel they have the option to disagree"—and that is the simplest explanation of why we need boundaries. We cannot get along with another person if we haven't mapped out our own territory.
We won't get far without boundaries
Being "dangerously nice" is rooted in suppressing one's own needs. It is the story of someone pouring from an empty cup, sacrificing their own well-being. We do everything (and then some) to avoid conflict, disappointment, and rejection, hoping to receive attention, approval, or love in return. Self-love deficit disorder (often called being a "people pleaser") is a set of traits most common in those with dependent or codependent personalities, though such behavior can also stem from a fear that we are not "enough." People pleasers send out a standing invitation for others to take charge, and they are reluctant to set boundaries or make demands of others.
Set a boundary instead of having a drink
It is becoming increasingly difficult to look at our emotions with a "sober" eye. Research shows that interpersonal problems and the loss of social networks are linked to alcohol abuse. Experts highlight the role of alcohol as a way to cope with stress, relationship issues, and even as a way to spend time when alone.
The word "alcohol" comes from the Arabic *al-ghoul*, meaning an evil spirit that might whisper shallow solutions to us in the face of serious problems. Declining a social situation where you have the chance to momentarily lift a weight off your chest, drown it in a colorful glass, and dissolve into a blissful peace—taxed by the guilt (or cortisol) of the next day—requires you to set a boundary, or perhaps just have a coffee. We can suggest a walk together, a chat over kombucha, or simply changing the subject or the company. It is important not to change your stance under pressure, and not to explain, justify, make excuses, or answer the rhetorical question: "You won't have a drink with me?!"
The boundaryless egoist
Distinguishing between healthy boundary-setting and selfishness requires reflecting on one's motivations and behavior within relationships. We should protect our own integrity while respecting the rights and needs of others, communicating in a clear, honest, and assertive way. Being selfish in a relationship means looking out only for yourself, often using manipulation or even aggression, without any reciprocity or flexibility; you undermine the foundations of the relationship instead of building it.
If you are absent, you will always be "abroad"
By setting boundaries, we mark out a safe space to build and explore relationships, where we can deepen our understanding of ourselves, our needs, values, and behaviors. In building relationships, the strongest source of fascination is difference, which we cannot achieve without individuality and setting our own boundaries. Relationship success lies not in seeking identity, but in seeing each other fully, despite our differences. No relationship—with yourself or with another person—will work if you are absent from it, if you are "abroad."
Bibliography:
1. Berne E., Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships, PWN Scientific Publishers, Warsaw 2013.
2. Niedźwiecka M., O zmierzchu. Jak przestać się bać życia i przeżyć je po swojemu [At Twilight. How to stop fearing life and live it on your own terms], W.A.B. Publishing, 2023.
3. Study: Emotional processing and social cognition in alcohol use disorder: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31448948/
4. Study: Second Edition of the "Alcohol in Poland" Report: https://ptzp.org/pl/2-edycja-raportu-alkohol-w-polsce
