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Search for the border
In order to have your own opinion, you must first examine the area. The dictionary of the Polish language states that this is the “dividing line”, “the measure of something allowed”, as well as “the end of the physical and mental possibilities of a person”. The definition also has its limits, because without it we would cling to endless words, but defining a “personal boundary” is already homework for each of us. “The right to express thoughts only means something when we are capable of having our own thoughts,” he said. Erich Fromm in “Escape from Freedom.”
We approach, distance and integrate
Antoni Kępiński wrote that in human nature lies the need to “ripple and pulsate”, that is, to approach and move away in order to digest what happened when we were close. One can, of course, deny, rationalize, and repudiate, but the suppressed need will reveal itself in frustration — anger and the sacramental “Give me holy peace, all of you, I want to be alone!” While boundaries are not about emotions, anger is about boundaries.
Relationship at the border
In order to draw the line in the right place, we must examine the territory of our psyche, i.e. thoughts, feelings, decisions, actions, needs, rights, memories and secrets, not just physical or material resources. In a professional context, boundaries help to avoid overload, protect against burnout and allow balance to be maintained. Jesper Juul said that “only then can a man agree with full conviction on something if he feels that he has the possibility of not being worthy” - and this is the simplest explanation of why we have boundaries. We will not get along with the other man if we do not embrace our own territory.
Without a border, we won't get far
Being kind to a dangerous degree is based on suppressing one's own needs. This is the story of Solomon, who pours out of the void, sacrificing his own needs. We do everything (and even more) to avoid conflict, disappointment and rejection, and in return receive attention, approval or love. Self-love deficit disorder (also known as people pleaser) is a set of characteristics that are most common in people with dependent or codependent personalities, although such behaviors can also result from the fear that we do not feel “enough”. Negotiators send a special invitation to take responsibility, are reluctant to set boundaries and make demands on others.
Let's put a border instead of a drink
It is becoming increasingly difficult for us to look at emotions with a “sober” eye. Research proves that interpersonal problems and loss of social network are related to alcohol abuse. Experts highlight the function of alcohol as a way to deal with stress, relationship problems and even a way to spend time alone.
The word “alcohol” comes from the Arabic word “al-ghoul” meaning an evil spirit that can whisper shallow solutions to us in the face of serious problems. To refuse a social situation in which we have the chance to drop a stone from our heart for a moment, drown it in a colored glass and dissolve in blissful peace interspersed with remorse (or the cortisol of the next day) requires us to set a limit, possibly coffee. We can offer in return a walk together, a conversation over kombucha, possibly a change of subject or company. It is important not to change your attitude under pressure, not to explain yourself, to justify yourself, to look for excuses or answers to the rhetorical question: “Won't you have a drink with me?!”.
Egoist without borders
Distinguishing between healthy boundary setting and selfishness requires reflection on motivation and behavior in the context of relationships. We should protect our own integrity by respecting the rights and needs of others, communicating in a clear, honest and assertive way. Selfishly taking the relationship - we only care about our business, often using manipulation and even aggression, without any reciprocity and flexibility in the subject, we stimulate the foundations of the relationship instead of building it.
You will always be absent abroad
By setting boundaries, we define a safe area for building and exploring relationships, in which we can deepen our understanding of ourselves, needs, values and behaviors. In building relationships, the strongest source of fascination is the difference, which we will not achieve without separateness and setting our own limits. Relational success is not about looking for identity, but about seeing yourself fully, despite your differences. No relationship (with oneself or with another person) will succeed when we are absent, when we are abroad.
Bibliography:
1. Berne E., What People Play. Psychology of human relations, Wydawnictwo Naukowe PWN, Warsaw 2013.
2. Niedźwiecka M., At Twilight. How to stop being afraid of life and live it your way”, Wydawnictwi W.A.B., 2023.
3. Study: Emotional processing and social cognition in alcohol use disorder: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31448948/
4th Survey: Second Edition of the “Alcohol in Poland” Report: https://ptzp.org/pl/2-edycja-raportu-alkohol-w-polsce
