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Stuck at work again because someone asked you to do the work of several people "just this one last time"? Feeling like you need to finally tell your brother you don't want to go on that joint vacation? Well, similar situations happen to almost everyone from time to time. Sometimes it’s just empathy, other times we care about maintaining good relationships, or perhaps we’re doing someone a favor and plan to ask for one in return soon. This is completely normal—as long as these situations occur only occasionally and don't ultimately leave you feeling frustrated.
However, it’s not uncommon to encounter people who constantly let themselves be taken advantage of, are afraid to voice their opinions or ask for help, yet offer help to almost everyone at the expense of their own time, well-being, and health. In such cases, we don't just sacrifice ourselves for others; we also constantly analyze what they think of us, whether they actually like us, and whether we’ve done enough. This syndrome is known as being a "people pleaser."
Is a people pleaser actually pleased?
Contrary to appearances, when it comes to people pleasers, it’s hard to talk about empathy or even satisfaction from helping others. People pleasers often feel exploited; they are usually frustrated and exhausted by helping, and they derive no pleasure from it. These are people who need recognition and acceptance so badly that they are willing to completely tear down the boundaries we set to keep from being taken advantage of.
Where does this attitude come from? Like many other issues—from childhood. As children, people pleasers usually had to earn the love of emotionally unavailable parents. Expressing their needs was, at best, dismissed, and at worst, met with blame and punishment. Only by being "good children"—helpful, trouble-free, and practically boundary-less—did they receive approval. That is why, today, assertiveness triggers feelings of guilt in them, or is even unthinkable: "If I do that, no one will like me."
Is that really true? In fact, some people might be shocked by a people pleaser's change in attitude, and developing new, healthier relationships is just a matter of time. However, let’s remember that it is precisely boundaries that allow us to get along well with people in the long run—we are honest, less stressed, and if we decide to help or let someone cross our boundary, it is a situation we desire, one that doesn't cause frustration or emotional exhaustion.
How do you set boundaries?
The people-pleasing syndrome is an extreme, and those who recognize it in themselves should seek the help of a therapist. For most of us, fortunately, setting boundaries is much easier, or at least it can be. How do you get started?
- First, the most important and unfortunately the most difficult step: discover the magic of the word "no." It is the best method for building boundaries. How do you learn it? Ideally, you would simply stop someone's demands without unnecessary explanations. However, as an exercise, you can slowly strengthen your boundary wall. The path from "I'm sorry, but I can't help you today" to a simple "no" is one of practice.
- Second: polite argumentation. This is not the same as making excuses or apologizing. If you are setting boundaries where a hierarchy exists—for example, at work—it is worth having a few arguments ready, such as: "I am currently working on another project, and this will take me another X hours, so I cannot take on another one."
- Third: openness. If we get lost in a tangle of apologies, excuses, and reassurances, we may end up causing our boundary wall to crumble like a house of cards. A simple, factual, and concrete response is the key to success. So, if we don't intend to address a topic at all, let's just say "I can't take care of that" instead of "not today, maybe sometime, I'll think about it."
- Fourth – consistency. Ideally, we wouldn't get into a discussion, but sometimes the other person still refuses to respect our boundaries. This does not mean we should move them. Calmly but firmly, repeat your "no." Remember that assertiveness is not submission.
- Fifth – self-care. Setting and then maintaining boundaries is an element of self-care—looking after your own well-being. It is worth reminding yourself from time to time that you are the most important person in your own life, and no one, not even the person who loves you most, will have the same power to look after your well-being, health, and sense of life fulfillment. Building self-love will make setting boundaries easier.
When should you start building boundaries?
We already know how to set boundaries, but the question may arise: when should we do it? The answer, of course, is as soon as possible—whenever we enter a new relationship or start a new job. However, reality is rarely that simple, and we often have to set boundaries after years of being stuck in completely different dynamics.
Fortunately, it is never too late for assertiveness. It is worth realizing that the people who will have the biggest problem with us setting boundaries are those who benefited most from their absence. And what was convenient for them was not necessarily working out positively for us. Meanwhile, in life, as on an airplane—you put your own oxygen mask on first, and only then do you help others. Good luck!
