How to set boundaries at work and in daily life

Are you stuck at work again because someone asked you to do the work of several people “one more time”? Do you feel that you should finally communicate to your brother that you do not want to go on vacation together? Well, similar situations happen to practically everyone from time to time. Sometimes it's just empathy, other times we care about good relations, sometimes we're doing someone a favor or planning to ask for it soon. This is completely normal... as long as, in fact, such situations appear in our lives sporadically and in the end do not cause frustration.

Not infrequently, however, there are people who constantly allow themselves to be exploited, afraid to express opinions and ask for help, and at the same time offer this help to practically everyone, at the expense of their time, well-being and health. In such a situation, we not only give up ourselves in favor of others, but also constantly analyze what they think of us, whether they actually like us or have given enough. Such a syndrome is called people pleaser, in Polish there is sometimes the name pleaser.

Is the pleaser satisfied?

Contrary to appearances, in the case of pleasers it is difficult to talk about empathy or even the satisfaction of helping. People pleasers often feel taken advantage of, are usually frustrated, tired of helping and not enjoying it. These are people who need recognition and acceptance so much that they are ready to completely tear down the boundaries we set so as not to “let ourselves get in the way”.

Where does this attitude come from? Like many other problems — from childhood. People pleasers as children usually had to earn the love of emotionally unavailable parents. For them, the expression of needs ended in trivialization at best, blame and punishment at worst. Only as “polite children” — that is, accommodating, problem-free and practically borderless — did they meet with approval. That is why today assertiveness awakens in them a sense of guilt, and it does not even fit in the head - “after all, then no one will like me.”

Do you want to be sure? In fact, some people may be shocked by the change in attitude of people pleasers and it is a matter of time to develop new, healthier relationships. However, let us remember that It is the boundaries that ultimately make us get along well with people - we are honest, less stressed, and if we decide to help or let someone into our border, it is a desirable situation for us and does not cause frustration or emotional fatigue.

How to set boundaries?

However, the pleaser syndrome is definitely an extreme and people who recognize it in themselves should seek the help of a therapist. Fortunately for most of us, setting boundaries is much easier, or at least it can be. How do you go about it?

• First, the most important and unfortunately the most difficult — it is worth discovering the magic of the word “no”. This is the best way to build boundaries. How to learn it? The ideal would be to simply stop someone's demands, without explaining yourself unnecessarily. As part of the exercises, however, the border wall can be strengthened slowly. From “I'm sorry, but today I'm not able to help you” to the usual “no”, there is a path of practice.
• Second, Polite Argumentation. This is not the same as translating or apologizing. If we set boundaries where there is a hierarchy — for example, at work, it is worth having a few arguments on hand — for example, “I am currently working on another project, and it will take me another x hours, I can't take another one.”
• Third, openness. If we get lost in the tangle of apologies, excuses and reassurances, we can eventually make our border wall fall apart like a house of cards. A simple, factual and concrete answer is the key to success. So if we're not going to take up some topic at all, let's just say “I can't deal with it” instead of “not today, maybe someday, I'll think again.”
• Fourth, consistency. It would be ideal not to enter into a discussion, but it happens that the interlocutor does not want to respect our borders anyway. This does not mean that we should move them. Calmly, but firmly, let us repeat our “no”. Remember that assertiveness is not submission.
• Fifth, take care of yourself. Setting and then guarding borders is an element of “self care” — concern for one's well-being. It is worth remembering from time to time that we are the most important person to ourselves and no one, not even the most loving person, will have such power to take care of our well-being, health and sense of life fulfillment. Building self-love will make it easier to set boundaries.

When to start building borders?

We already know how to set boundaries, but the question may arise, when to do it? The answer is, of course, as soon as possible whenever we enter a new relationship or appear in a new job. However, reality is rarely that simple and we often have to set limits after years of being stuck in completely different systems.

Thankfully, it's never too late to be assertive. It is worth realizing that the biggest problem with setting our boundaries will be those who have benefited the most from their absence. And what was comfortable for them did not necessarily work positively for us. Meanwhile, in life, as in an airplane — we first put on an oxygen mask for ourselves, only then we help others. Good luck!