In what ways does your attachment style influence your interactions with others?

Bowlby and Ainsworth Attachment Theory

The creator of the theory of ties was the British doctor and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, born in 1907. His observations and research later developed by Mary Ainsworth made it possible to understand that the way we are treated in childhood by our caregivers (most often parents) has a huge impact on how we perceive relationships with other people, and how we function in them.

Bowlby belonged to the British upper class and in his early childhood, according to the rules of the time, he only saw his mother for an hour a day. However, he had a very warm and warm relationship with his nanny. These experiences undoubtedly had a major impact on his perception of human relationships. Together with Ainsworth, in the course of research and observation, he proved that the way in which a child forms a bond with the so-called object of attachment (that is, with the closest caregiver) can be reproduced many times in adult relationships. It is as if the first experiences in a relationship with a mother or father form a permanently imprinted pattern in us.

According to Bowlby, this pattern is formed in the baby between 6 and 30 months of age and proceeds as follows:

• The baby from the moment of birth to the 2nd month of age reacts to different people in his environment, however, already a few days after birth, he prefers to look at the face of the mother or that guardian who is present most often, than at a stranger.
• A child between 2 and 7 months of age begins to clearly prefer his caregivers to strangers. This is expressed in a high concentration of attention on the parents (mainly the mother or the person who is with the child the most).
• The baby between 8 and 24 months of age recognizes what is foreign or unknown and begins to react negatively to it. He protests, for example, by crying, against parting with his mother and reacts with distrust of strangers. When the child is close to the most important caregiver, there is a reduction in negative emotions and then he feels safe.

From birth, the infant is oriented towards observation and seeking contact with the mother or, in her absence, with her most important caregiver. As a result of this interaction, the child adopts many of the messages and rules that govern his relationship with his mother. This interaction can take on a model, loving and close-knit shape, or — depending on the mother's behavior and attitude — a more complicated shape. Here are the types of relationship styles that can arise in this way:

• Style based on a sense of security. It is produced in the child when the caregiver responds adequately to his needs, gives them attention, helps in difficult situations, is close, affectionate and present, and thus responds in the overwhelming majority of situations. This style is produced in about 65% of children. In this relationship, the child trusts the mother and feels safe with her, and believes that the mother will respond to his needs and come to his aid. Attachment in this relationship is a safe base for the child, the child is not afraid to know the world, because he knows that he has support in the caregiver. A style based on security is most in demand for the harmonious development of the human psyche.
• Anxious-avoidant style. This type of attachment is born when the child in the relationship with the caregiver feels rejected. This happens when the caregiver is physically and emotionally unavailable, pays little attention to the child or even disregards his needs, and also scolds the child for showing difficult emotions. The caregiver responds inadequately to his needs (e.g. by shouting) or demands independence too early, neglecting the natural stages of development. The child in this relationship most often feels tension and anxiety. There is no sense of security, and he is also taught that sometimes it is better to avoid the caregiver.
• Anxious-ambivalent style. This type of bond can be the result of too little guardianship or inconsistency of the caregiver. It is often the case that caregivers focus more on their own feelings than on the child's problem, blaming them for the situation they have to face (“How could you pour water?!” , “You annoy me!” , “Stop crying, nothing happened”). The parent is often characterized by excessive worry, and his reactions to various situations related to the child are not consistent - once to the water poured by the child he may react with a scream, and at other times he may find it funny. Thus, an uncertain picture of the caregiver's reaction in the future is fixed in the minds of children.
• Anxious-disorganized style. This is the most disturbed type of bond. It occurs when a child experiences violence from caregivers. Typical of this type of relationship is that the caregiver behaves in an incomprehensible, terrible or withdrawn way towards the child.

Adult Relationships and Attachment Styles

Our first experiences with parents show us a certain picture of the world, the rules that govern it and the role of other people in our lives. Since in early childhood we have no other patterns than those we experience in the family, we accept them uncritically and are ready to reproduce them in adult life. Even if the actions of the parents were difficult for us and caused us suffering, the strongest mechanism in us will still be its imitation. In addition, we will expect other people to behave similarly towards us.

This is why attachment styles formed in childhood influence our adult relationships. They can cause people to enter relationships based on principles we know from childhood, even if these principles are not supportive and cause suffering. Here's how we can function in adult life in interpersonal relationships depending on the type of bond we have learned:

1. Style based on a sense of security:

• high self-esteem and stable self-esteem,
• emotional stability,
• easier to deal with difficult emotions in relationships,
• positive perception of yourself and other people,
• lower neuroticism (lower risk of depression and conditions associated with depressed mood),
• higher trust in close people, the absence of an increased need for control,
• higher resilience,
• the belief that people are overwhelmingly good and have good intentions towards us.

2. Styles: anxious-avoidant, anxious-ambivalent, anxious-disorganized:

• higher tendency to neuroticism (susceptibility to depression, ease in experiencing difficult emotions),
• more negative than positive emotions in relationships with others,
• low trust in close people,
• constant uncertainty about the durability of the relationship (suspicions of dishonesty, betrayal, the need to constantly prove by a close person that the relationship is important to him),
• trouble with intimacy associated with fear of being hurt,
• the need to control the other side,
• possible excessive submission in a relationship or excessive dominance,
• the belief that people are rather evil, and the world is threatening,
• possible lower mental immunity,
• the conviction of undeserving of love or of one's own inadequacy, otherness, of the fact that “something is wrong with us.”

I have an anxious style and what next?

Very often it happens that a person who has experienced many difficult situations in interpersonal relationships or romantic relationships, seeking help for himself, goes to a psychologist or psychotherapist. During such work, it turns out that the probable cause of such a state may not be that she simply met people on her way who harmed her, but that she herself, on her own initiative, enters into a specific type of relationship. The reason for such a state may be the desire to reproduce in contact with other patterns from childhood. What can be done then? Can the attachment style be changed?

For many years, psychologists thought that changing the original attachment pattern was not possible. However, it turns out that although it is difficult, it can be transformed. This requires considerable insight into one's own history and a deep understanding of past experiences. It is best to do this with professional support in a psychotherapeutic office. Although it is not an easy path, it is worth taking to be able to fully experience the potential that comes from the value that healthy relationships with other people can bring to our lives. According to many studies, it is the supportive and constructive accompaniment of others in our lives that is one of the fundamental pillars of well-being.

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_{2. Firestone L., How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship, 2013, Attachment.style_.article.docx (live.com).}

_{3. Sagone E., Commodari E., Indiana M.L., La Rosa V.L., Exploring the Association between Attachment Style, Psychological Well-Being, and Relationship Status in Young Adults and Adults, A Cross-Sectional Study, Eur. J. Investig, Health Psychol. Educ. 2023, 13 (3), 525-539; https://doi.org/10.3390/ejihpe13030040.}