In what ways does your attachment style influence your interactions with others?

Bowlby and Ainsworth’s Attachment Theory

Attachment theory was developed by the British physician and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, born in 1907. His observations and research, later expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth, helped us understand that the way our caregivers—most often our parents—treat us in childhood has a profound impact on how we perceive and function in our relationships with others.

Bowlby belonged to the British upper class and, in accordance with the customs of the time, saw his mother for only an hour a day during his early childhood. However, he had a very warm and affectionate relationship with his nanny. These experiences undoubtedly influenced his perception of human relationships. Together with Ainsworth, through research and observation, he proved that the way a child forms a bond with their so-called attachment figure (their primary caregiver) can be repeatedly mirrored in adult relationships. It is as if our initial experiences in our relationships with our mother or father create a lasting, imprinted pattern within us.

According to Bowlby, this pattern forms in a child between the ages of 6 and 30 months and develops as follows:

• From birth until the age of 2 months, a child reacts to various people in their environment, though within just a few days of birth, they already prefer looking at the face of their mother or primary caregiver over that of a stranger.
• Between the ages of 2 and 7 months, a child begins to clearly prefer their caregivers over strangers. This is expressed by the child focusing their attention primarily on their parents (or the person who spends the most time with them).
• Between the ages of 8 and 24 months, a child begins to recognize what is foreign or unknown and starts to react negatively to it. They protest, for example by crying, when separated from their mother and react with wariness toward strangers. When the child is close to their primary caregiver, their negative emotions subside, and they feel secure.

From birth, an infant is oriented toward observing and seeking contact with their mother or, in her absence, their primary caregiver. Through this interaction, the child absorbs many messages and rules that govern their relationship with their mother. This interaction can take on an ideal, loving, and close form, or—depending on the mother's behavior and attitude—a more complex one. Here are the types of relationship styles that can develop in this way:

• Secure attachment style. This develops in a child when a caregiver responds appropriately to their needs, provides attention, offers help in difficult situations, and is close, affectionate, and present in the vast majority of situations. This style is found in approximately 65% of children. In this relationship, the child trusts their mother, feels safe with her, and believes that she will respond to their needs and come to their aid. Attachment in this relationship serves as a secure base for the child; they are not afraid to explore the world because they know they have support in their caregiver. A secure attachment style is the most desirable for the harmonious development of the human psyche.
• Anxious-avoidant attachment style. This type of attachment arises when a child feels rejected in their relationship with a caregiver. This happens when the caregiver is physically and emotionally unavailable, pays little attention to the child, ignores their needs, or punishes the child for expressing difficult emotions. The caregiver may respond inappropriately to the child's needs (e.g., by shouting) or demand independence too early, disregarding natural developmental stages. In this relationship, the child most often feels tension and anxiety. They lack a sense of security and learn that it is sometimes better to avoid the caregiver.
• Anxious-ambivalent attachment style. This type of bond can result from a lack of sufficient care or inconsistent behavior from a caregiver. It often happens that caregivers focus more on their own feelings than on the child's problem, blaming the child for the situation they have to deal with ("How could you spill the water?!", "You're upsetting me!", "Stop crying, it's nothing"). The parent is often characterized by excessive worrying, and their reactions to various situations involving the child are inconsistent – one moment they might react to spilled water by shouting, and the next they might find it funny. Consequently, an uncertain image of the caregiver's future reactions becomes ingrained in the child's mind.
• Anxious-disorganized attachment style. This is the most disordered type of attachment. It occurs when a child experiences abuse from their caregivers. It is typical for this type of relationship that the caregiver behaves in a way that is incomprehensible, frightening, or withdrawn toward the child.

Adult relationships and attachment styles

Our first experiences with our parents reveal a certain image of the world, the rules that govern it, and the role of other people in our lives. Since in early childhood we have no other models than those we experience in the family, we accept them uncritically and are prepared to replicate them in adult life. Even if our parents' behavior was difficult for us and caused suffering, the strongest mechanism within us will still be to imitate it. Furthermore, we will expect other people to treat us in a similar way.

This is precisely why attachment styles formed in childhood influence our adult relationships. They can lead us to enter into interpersonal relationships based on the rules we knew as children, even if those rules are unsupportive and cause suffering. Here is how we may function in our adult interpersonal contacts depending on the type of attachment formed:

1. Secure attachment style:

• high self-esteem and a stable sense of self-worth,
• emotional stability,
• easier management of difficult emotions in relationships,
• a positive perception of oneself and others,
• lower neuroticism (reduced risk of depression and low mood states),
• greater trust in loved ones, lack of an intense need for control,
• higher resilience,
• the belief that the vast majority of people are good and have good intentions toward us.

2. Styles: anxious-avoidant, anxious-ambivalent, anxious-disorganized:

• a higher tendency toward neuroticism (susceptibility to depression, ease of experiencing difficult emotions),
• more negative than positive emotions in relationships with others,
• low trust in loved ones,
• constant uncertainty about the stability of the relationship (suspicions of dishonesty or infidelity, a need for the partner to constantly prove that the relationship is important to them),
• difficulty with intimacy due to a fear of being hurt,
• a need to control the other person,
• potential for excessive submissiveness or excessive dominance in a relationship,
• a belief that people are generally bad and the world is a threatening place,
• possible lower psychological resilience,
• a conviction that one is undeserving of love, or feelings of inadequacy, being different, or that "something is wrong with us."

I have an anxious attachment style—what now?

It is very common for someone who has experienced many difficult situations in interpersonal contacts or romantic relationships to seek help from a psychologist or psychotherapist. During this process, it often turns out that the likely cause is not just that they happened to meet people who hurt them, but that they are actively choosing to enter into specific types of relationships. This can stem from a desire to recreate childhood patterns in their interactions with others. What can be done in such a case? Can an attachment style be changed?

For many years, psychologists believed that changing one's primary attachment pattern was impossible. However, it turns out that while it is difficult, it can be transformed. This requires significant insight into one's own history and a deep understanding of past experiences. It is best to do this with professional support in a psychotherapy setting. Although it is not an easy path, it is worth taking to fully experience the potential of the value that healthy relationships with others can bring to our lives. According to many studies, supportive and constructive companionship from others is one of the fundamental pillars of well-being.

Bibliography:

1. Matysiak-Błaszczyk A., Jankowiak B., The Importance of Attachment Relationships in the Human Life Cycle. An Analysis of Selected Aspects of Close Relationships, Studia Edukacyjne No. 44, 2017, Adam Mickiewicz University in Poznań, Poznań 2017, pp. 195-208, Adam Mickiewicz University Press, ISSN 1233-6688, doi: 10.14746/se.2017.44.12.
2. Firestone L., How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship, 2013, Attachment.Style_.Article.docx (live.com).
3. Sagone E., Commodari E., Indiana M. L., La Rosa V. L., Exploring the Association between Attachment Style, Psychological Well-Being, and Relationship Status in Young Adults and Adults, A Cross-Sectional Study, Eur. J. Investig, Health Psychol. Educ. 2023, 13(3), 525-539; https://doi.org/10.3390/ejihpe13030040.