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For many people, talking about their own needs and emotions can be difficult. It often comes with the fear of being judged, the risk of rejection,or even a sense of guilt. Through assertive behaviour, however, we can restore the balance between taking care of ourselves and showing respect for others. Why is saying “no” so often such a challenge?
Difficulties with saying “no”
Many people are afraid to show others who they truly are, even though it is one of the most natural human needs. These kinds of fears also emerge when we struggle to say “no.” That fearmay vary in intensity, but it is always present. And it is this fear that causes the suffering which, over time, negatively affects our mental well-being – lowering self-esteem, increasing stress, and even leading to frustration.
Following Sarah Famery’s guide “A Little Course in Assertiveness, or How to Say No”, it should be emphasised that we would say “no” much more often if we were not afraid of showing ourselves as we truly are. Saying “no” does take some courage, but there are moments when that courage is missing. On the other hand, many people are aware of the limits of their courage and how willing they are to reveal their true selves to others.
Why do we say “no” so rarely?
There are three key reasons why saying “no” is difficult:
1. Fear of authority
Sharing our own views can be challenging when we feel intimidated by an authority figure we cannot question and instead tend to submit to.
2. Sense of guilt
When we feel guilty, itbecomes difficult to refuse, even if doing so is to our disadvantage. People with this tendency often give up their own needs because they feel that by saying “no” they are hurting others or acting selfishly.
3. The need to be loved or thefear of no longer being loved
A powerful need for love, or the fear of losing it, can also prevent us from revealing our true selves. We hesitate to voice our true opinion, fearing it might displease or anger others, and that this could cause them to stop loving us.
In extreme situations, all three reasons can occur together. The roots of these fears are mainly a productof our past. Very often, they lie in childhood – even if we no longer need tofear authority, feel guilty, or worry about a lack of love.
What is assertiveness?
To be able to say “no”, we need an assertive attitude. As Antoni Benedikt writes in his book “Assertiveness as a Process of Effective Communication”, it is a skill that enables us to express our thoughts, preferences, feelings, beliefs, values, and opinions openly, without inner discomfort and without disregarding our interlocutors. In conflict situations, the ability to be assertive makes it possible to reach a compromise without sacrificing one’s dignity or giving up previously held beliefs.
The term “assertiveness” is also understood as “a set of personal competences and skills that determine behaviour in interpersonal relations, characterised by the pursuit of valued principles and beliefs as well as the defence of one’s own self.”
According to Jeff Davidson, assertiveness is the recognition of an individual’s right – as a taxpayer, consumer, listener, or member of a group – to express their own views, comments, opinions, and concerns in such a way that the rights of others are not infringed.
In short, assertiveness is not only the art of saying “no” but, above all, the ability to express oneself– one’s feelings, needs, and values – in an honest and open way, while at the same time respecting the boundaries of others.
What is assertiveness not? Discover the biggest myths
Assertive behaviour is neither submissive, manipulative, nor aggressive. It is a style of response, defence, and expression that is in no way connected with violence. It is also non-invasive and does not violate personal dignity. At the same time, it is precisely these traits that the myths about assertiveness refer to.
1. Assertiveness = selfishness?
First of all, let us forgetthe idea that assertiveness is selfishness. In reality, an assertive person is able to take care of themselves while respecting others at the same time. Selfishness, on the other hand, focuses solely on one’s own benefit at the expense of others.
2. Assertiveness = aggression and manipulation?
On the contrary – assertiveness is about calmly and clearly communicating one’s boundaries,without attempting to influence or manipulate another person. In fact, aggression often involves manipulation. Aggressive people use anger, point out mistakes, and evoke guilt in order to achieve their goal. By acting assertively, you gain what you need (in most situations), whereas through aggression you may obtain submission and compliance, or provoke hostility and resistance.
3. Assertiveness = passivity?
Assertiveness is the oppositeof passivity – with a passive attitude, we give up our own needs and allow others to decide for us. Assertiveness, on the other hand, is about consciously, calmly, and clearly expressing one’s opinion, boundaries, and emotions – while respecting the rights of others.
4. Assertiveness = automatic refusal?
Another common myth is that assertive people always say “no” – in reality, assertiveness is about making deliberate choices and expressing one’s boundaries, rather than refusing by default.
The benefits of being assertive
There are many benefits we can gain from being assertive. Jan Ferguson describes them very clearly in his book “Perfect Assertiveness”. Most importantly, acting assertively allows us to stay in control, which gives us the sense that we are in charge of ourselves. As a result, our well-being improves, and we have a beneficial impact onothers. We show that we can stand up for our own rights while respecting the rights of others. We experience less stress because we do not take on too many responsibilities or carry other people’s emotions.
Being assertive builds ourself-confidence and boosts our self-esteem – we learn to speak clearly about our needs and opinions. Moreover, we gain a sense of satisfaction by clearly showing others how we expect to be treated. We do not feel intimidated because we have a realistic sense of self-worth. When we express our feelings, we experience fewer difficulties in our relationships, and our honesty and openness help to build trust. All of this leads to more effective communication– we reach compromises more quickly and resolve conflicts more easily.
By setting healthy boundaries, we protect our time and energy more effectively while achieving our goals without harming others.
Assertiveness training
The forerunner of assertiveness training was Andrew Salter, who defined the concept ofassertiveness and described forms of training in his book “Conditioned Reflex Therapy” (1949). At first, assertiveness training was used in therapeutic practice as a form of treatment for people who were shy, neurotic, or experiencing personality development disorders. This is why learning and improving assertive behaviour became so popular.
Assertivenes straining includes three approaches: behavioural, cognitive, and behavioural-cognitive. In behavioural training, behavioural therapy techniquesare used, while cognitive training is based on changing the way of thinking and beliefs about oneself and relationships with others. The mixed behavioural-cognitive approach, on the other hand, combines both elements, focusing on practical behaviours as well as cognitive processes.
This training teaches, among other things, how to protect one’s rights in personal and social situations, how to refuse in line with one’s inner objections, and how to receive and express opinions, feelings, and views. Thanks to it, participants of the training begin to act in line with the attitude expressed by statements such as: “I am okay. I have the right to be myself” and “You are okay. You havethe right to be yourself” (M. Król-Fijewska).
Practical ways to learn assertiveness
Assertiveness can be learned not only through organised training but also in everyday life – by practising simple, practical exercises. At the beginning, it is worth starting with clear and calm communication of your needs, using “I” statements. An example might bea sentence such as “I feel tired when I have to take care of all the household duties on my own” or “I feel overwhelmed when I am given tasks at the last minute.”
It is also worth practising saying “no” in a simple and polite way, without excessive explanations or feelings of guilt. Role-playing (e.g. with a friend) and practising how to act in everyday situations proves to be very effective.Awareness of body language is also very important – maintaining eye contact, speaking in a calm tone, and keeping an upright posture are elements that strengthen the message. These are just a few examples of practising assertiveness, but if we apply them regularly, we will gradually buildself-confidence and a sense of agency in our relationships with others.
References:
FameryS., „Mały kurs asertywności, czyli jak mówić nie”, Videograf II,Katowice, 2007.
Benedikt A., „Asertywność jako proces skutecznej komunikacji”, Astrum, Wrocław, 2003.
Davidson J., „Asertywność dla żółtodziobów, czyli wszystko, co powinieneś wiedzieć o…”, Dom Wydawniczy Rebis, Poznań, 2003.
Król-Fijewska M., Fijewski P., „Asertywność menedżera”, Polskie Wydawnictwo Ekonomiczne, Warszawa, 2007.
Ferguson J., „Asertywność doskonała”, Dom Wydawniczy Rebis, Poznań, 1999.
Zubrzycka-Maciąg T., „Trening asertywności w kształceniu pedagogicznym”, Wydawnictwo Uniwersytetu Marii Curie-Skłodowskiej, Lublin, 2007.
