Beliefs which block assertiveness

Beliefs that can block assertiveness

I often work with clients who have attended numerous assertiveness training sessions, yet still struggle to put what they’ve learned into practice in real life. They continue to feel immense guilt the moment they say no to someone or try to prioritize their own needs. Almost every attempt to set a boundary triggers a fear of rejection or, worse, leads them to punish themselves—for instance, by calling themselves names in their own heads.

The problem often lies in the fact that learning assertiveness techniques was not accompanied by work on changing harmful beliefs. You can find more tips on how to overcome them in my article Self-limiting beliefs - how to unlock your potential?

Assertiveness is not just a skill; it is, above all, a philosophy of life and a way of approaching both yourself and others. It stems largely from our values and beliefs, such as those regarding our rights, obligations, or self-esteem.

Our emotions and actions are heavily influenced by how we interpret what happens around us. The exact same events or words can trigger completely different reactions depending on our experiences and mindset.

Our beliefs act as a kind of filterthrough which we perceive the world. If the inability to act assertively were simply a matter of not knowing the methods, reading a single book would make the problem disappear. But that’s not how it works! Based on my many years of working with clients, I have created the following list.

Top 3 beliefs that block you from breaking out of the "eternal giver" role and excessive fear of rejection:

If I don't meet expectations, I will be rejected

We are constantly bombarded with the expectations and needs of others, both in our personal and professional lives. This will never change! The sum of demands, obligations, and wishes will always exceed our capacity to satisfy them. Even if we sacrificed ourselves completely, we still wouldn't meet every demand. Especially since these needs are often contradictory—for example, your employer wants you to work overtime, your child wants to spend more time with you, and a friend dreams of going to the theater together.

Since you know you will never be able to please everyone, you must learn to live with the fact that someone might feel disappointed. Start working on maintaining a healthy balance between what others want and what you are willing to give them—without losing yourself in the process.

If I say no, the other person will feel deeply hurt

To look at this belief rationally, it is worth asking yourself two questions:

• Do I feel hurt every time someone has a different opinion than mine, has different needs, or refuses a request? Probably not. If a person is psychologically healthy, they are able to accept a refusal or even a critical but constructively expressed opinion. Normally, this does not destroy the relationship or lead to despair. So, if you can accept the fact that not everyone acts the way you want them to, why do you assume that others will be so devastated or angry at your "no"?
• Am I really responsible for how other adults feel? We are each responsible for our own ability to healthily accept feedback, opinions that differ from our worldview, or the fact that someone wants something different than we do. And if a person truly feels deeply hurt by our right to self-determination or by a simple refusal, then they are the ones who should work with a coach or psychotherapist on their disproportionate reactions and emotions...

One of the principles of assertiveness is: "You have the right to ask, I have the right to refuse. I have the right to ask, you have the right to refuse."

Only by sacrificing myself for others will I be appreciated

This belief is common among people with low self-esteem. To break it, it is worth working on changing how you perceive yourself and realizing the value you bring to your relationships. Your care and empathy, kindness, reliability, sense of humor, or perhaps your knowledge and willingness to share interesting information may be exactly why people want to be around you, both socially and professionally.

Partnerships are based on the norm of reciprocity, not exploitation. In healthy families or friendships, you don't have to sacrifice yourself to be valued.

Worse still, those who constantly sacrifice themselves at work or in their personal lives are often neither respected nor seen as worthy of attention.

Or perhaps you sacrifice yourself because you feel inferior due to comparing yourself to others? I described this harmful pattern in the article Why toxic comparisons lower life satisfaction. It is worth freeing yourself from this trap.